Fashion, Style & Beauty Forum

We women are a rare species. We don’t see our reflection in the mirror but our perception. And usually we are not kind to ourselves. As any clothes shop assistant will confirm. Like an anorexia patient sees a fat person in the mirror, we see our flaws and turn them into a gigantic problem.

One day my husband tried on clothes in a shop and looked at his reflection in the mirror wall. Next to him was a man, our age (way over 40), slim, good looking. A stunner. Also looking to see how the clothes were on him. My husband stretched his calves, stuck out his (big) tummy and said: “Don’t change a thing. Perfect!”
Any woman would have looked aside at the other person and gone straight back to the dressing room with a depression.

Why ??? Why are we so tough on ourselves? Why do we want to be perfect when we all know that there are no perfect people? (Well alright, a handful but no more.)
Does perfection makes us happy? No way! You have little or no friends. (Who wants to always be the lesser person in a friendship?) And it is not a guarantee for a good relationship with the other sex either. Look at all the movie stars who get divorced all the time. I mean, if they cannot prevent their husband from going astray, then obviously it is not beauty that keeps men.

What do we want out of life? I think most people will say happiness. But happiness is laughing with the ones you like and love. Happiness is making somebody else happy and see their face light up when you give them a present or help them. It has absolutely nothing to do with size or looks. Only with your state of mind.
Who has any tips to turn around our state of mind?

Tough topic. Recognisable, ofcourse. Agree totally with Greetje and Sylvia. Don't have anything useful at hand so quickly, but will think about it!

Ever since I remember I have felt miserable because I was the fat girl who the other children used to say bad things and called names.
So I just remember in my whole life to struggle for not being the fat girl I was seeing on the mirror.
And for some times I achieved that.
The only time I didn't care about it was after a car accident I had 11 years ago when I was as deep down as I had ever been in my life.
One sunny April’s morning I was driving to work on a high way, when I had a car crash.
My car flew making several circles, bumped into another one, to just stop on the curb of the road, all smashed. Luckily I was alone.
Meanwhile I lost my senses, but before that I saw the movie of all my life.
I was a month at the ICU, I had several bones broken, internal bleedings, and when I went home, directly to bed, I couldn’t walk, somebody had to feed me, to shower me, I was depending on others.
During those 6 months I’ve been fighting for my life, I had plenty of time to think.
Through a journey of searching, I fumbled, tasted, sobbed, but something there in my soul could not let me give up. I had to change my life by changing the way I thought about the world.
Meanwhile it seems I forgot everything!!! And my joy of living now it’s not just because I have the ability to walk (as I felt that time) but it also depends of the way I look.
I still panic for being the fat girl!!! I continue to sabotage myself!
Making these mistakes:
I compare myself to others. Instead of saying that someone else is prettier, skinnier, more well dressed I should counteract it daily by expressing gratitude for who I am and what I do have.
And I negatively judge my natural tendencies. I should take a moment daily to recognize something I'm good at. Maybe I would feel more confident about some of my greatest strengths.
And I suffer so much because of that. Rationally I know I shouldn’t do it, but emotionally I do it.
And now I feel myself trapped, with a lack of confidence! And my weight gaining is NOT helping me!!!!
I love fashion and I really like the idea of mixing and matching textures and looks, clashing colours. That's what I'm trying to do with my outfits and always trying to achieve elegance.
“Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future.”
"Elegance is refusal. Refusal to follow others. Aptitude to be yourself" the legend tells Coco Chanel once stated.
So, if we all can learn to know ourselves, we all can be elegant. That's why I named my blog Searching The Inner Me. Because I'm still seeking it......
And I hope I would be able to overcome all this I'm dealing as soon as possible and feel again joy just because I’m alive and I can smell the flowers.

You always crack me up Greetje!

You touched my heart Sylvia. What a nice thing to say. The truth is - we all have our joys and our sorrows in this life and you can not tell by looking at the next person what is really going on. How often do we envy others and wish we could trade places with them - when the reality is they could be suffering and have problems far worse than our own. It is not what happens to us that matters - it is how we handle it that builds our character. We all fall into a black hole at some point but if we can keep looking up there is always a light to climb towards. You just have to keep doing your best and keep trying to help others. I think that might be the key to happiness - being able to think of others instead of ourselves. And guess what the theme of our sermon was today? "Live in the moment and be content with where you are right now." Amazing, huh?

Thank you Sylvia, yes, I might give a try to that book. I know I need some help to make me enjoy the present, not looking to the past and making me depressed and not worrying with the future, making me anxious. "Carpe diem"

Suzanne, what a great theme to think and discuss about, like Sylvia said the best advice.

And Greetje I have to admit I agree with Sylvia again, you're so positive and funny that I can see you doing stand up comedy.

I think that scars from the past make us look at ourselves in a distorted way. Seeing the things that other people called us. I agree with Anja that in order to lead a happy life and see yourself as we see you... we, your friends, you have to try and overcome the scars.
It is easy for me to say though. I have had little to no trouble in my life. Yes, I was harassed at school, but apparently not in such a way that it scarred me.
I try to live by the saying that it is not the event which is happening to you that matters, but the way you react to it. Me, I.. have a lot to say in this. I can decide here and now, that I want things to be different. If the world around me does not change, perhaps I could change something myself and see what happens.
I wanted to make an exception for health (still do really), but then I thought of Marianne. Life and health are not treating her very kindly and if you see how she copes with it...my compliments. Always cheerful. In her words: "If I am moody and grumpy all the time, nobody wants to be with me anymore and what do I have then? Nothing."
This is easier said than done, but she manages it.

Do not forget that I have a friend who makes my life less miserable. Friendship is a very important issue in my life, to have the feeling that you do not have to do it all alone. Laughter as well, nothing gives you more energy than that.

Tracey, I was already surprised that you are mother to a 12 year old son, but a 21 year old daughter....?? Even more surprising.
Back to the subject... I think you have spoken well and you have an admirable attitude towards life. One can really profit from a lesson learned like that.

You had a far-from-easy life. In all the stories in this subject you see that most people get a fair share of misery in life, but some definitely more than others.
My father also taught me life lessons like: "You are no more than anybody else, so you say thank you and please to everybody. But by that same token, you are no less than anybody else, so everybody says thank you and please to you too." It has given me a unique way of looking at life and people,

Oh fun that this old article is still appreciated. It was heart-felt.