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Author Topic: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
GreetjeKam-
minga
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Post Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: September 30, 2012, 21:00
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We women are a rare species. We don’t see our reflection in the mirror but our perception. And usually we are not kind to ourselves. As any clothes shop assistant will confirm. Like an anorexia patient sees a fat person in the mirror, we see our flaws and turn them into a gigantic problem.

One day my husband tried on clothes in a shop and looked at his reflection in the mirror wall. Next to him was a man, our age (way over 40), slim, good looking. A stunner. Also looking to see how the clothes were on him. My husband stretched his calves, stuck out his (big) tummy and said: “Don’t change a thing. Perfect!”
Any woman would have looked aside at the other person and gone straight back to the dressing room with a depression.

Why ??? Why are we so tough on ourselves? Why do we want to be perfect when we all know that there are no perfect people? (Well alright, a handful but no more.)
Does perfection makes us happy? No way! You have little or no friends. (Who wants to always be the lesser person in a friendship?) And it is not a guarantee for a good relationship with the other sex either. Look at all the movie stars who get divorced all the time. I mean, if they cannot prevent their husband from going astray, then obviously it is not beauty that keeps men.

What do we want out of life? I think most people will say happiness. But happiness is laughing with the ones you like and love. Happiness is making somebody else happy and see their face light up when you give them a present or help them. It has absolutely nothing to do with size or looks. Only with your state of mind.
Who has any tips to turn around our state of mind?

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http://www.nofearoffashion.com

Sylvia
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: September 30, 2012, 21:16
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Well spoken Greetje. I guess there are no easy answers.

What helps me is to focus on the positive and on those aspects where I can make a difference. Clothes are fantastic for that as you accentuate the positive and hide areas that you don't want to highlight.

Hairstyle is another thing where you can do whatever you want.

I also remind myself not to fall victim to this self criticism. 10 years ago you may also have looked at yourself in the mirror and thought negative thoughts about your appearance as well. But now when you see pictures of yourself from 10 years ago, you think "WOW'. I looked so young back then and so good! So I try to feel happy about the way I look today, because I know that in 10 years time I will look back at current me and have that same 'Wow' thought as well. It's so much better to be happy with the way I look now!

I think that looking after and respecting yourself helps too. Respect your body and give it the right foods and enough exercize. That puts you in a positive state of mind as well.

Tangobabe
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: September 30, 2012, 23:11
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Tough topic. Recognisable, ofcourse. Agree totally with Greetje and Sylvia. Don't have anything useful at hand so quickly, but will think about it!

Suzanne
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: September 30, 2012, 23:19
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I do not want to post anything "sad" but I have lost my entire family - including two young brothers - so I learned at an early age that health is the most important thing any of us can be blessed with. Eating foods that nourish our bodies and exercising (I am a walker - easy peasy) to stay strong has kept me feeling "young" and happy. And I have a very grateful heart. I try to look at the positives in my life each day. Anyone can find the negatives if they look - so just don't look! I love getting my hair done and I love to shop (my hubby told me he thinks my son and I are clothes snobs!) but I have fun with fashion and I do it to please me - no one else. I am very short (5 foot even) and if I followed the "rules" there are many things I shouldn't wear - but heck to that! If I like it and it brings me joy, I wear it with my head held high! I am usually the first in my social group to try new things - I had the first pair of gladiator sandals and the first over the knee boots and the first cape. My friends often come to me for fashion advice. I do not have half the budget that most of them do but I have a positive attitude and joy in my heart. And, in my opinion, Sylvia's Blog is the best place in "blogland" to nurture the way I feel about dressing over 40. :)

Seeker
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 02:04
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Ever since I remember I have felt miserable because I was the fat girl who the other children used to say bad things and called names.
So I just remember in my whole life to struggle for not being the fat girl I was seeing on the mirror.
And for some times I achieved that.
The only time I didn't care about it was after a car accident I had 11 years ago when I was as deep down as I had ever been in my life.
One sunny April’s morning I was driving to work on a high way, when I had a car crash.
My car flew making several circles, bumped into another one, to just stop on the curb of the road, all smashed. Luckily I was alone.
Meanwhile I lost my senses, but before that I saw the movie of all my life.
I was a month at the ICU, I had several bones broken, internal bleedings, and when I went home, directly to bed, I couldn’t walk, somebody had to feed me, to shower me, I was depending on others.
During those 6 months I’ve been fighting for my life, I had plenty of time to think.
Through a journey of searching, I fumbled, tasted, sobbed, but something there in my soul could not let me give up. I had to change my life by changing the way I thought about the world.
Meanwhile it seems I forgot everything!!! And my joy of living now it’s not just because I have the ability to walk (as I felt that time) but it also depends of the way I look.
I still panic for being the fat girl!!! I continue to sabotage myself!
Making these mistakes:
I compare myself to others. Instead of saying that someone else is prettier, skinnier, more well dressed I should counteract it daily by expressing gratitude for who I am and what I do have.
And I negatively judge my natural tendencies. I should take a moment daily to recognize something I'm good at. Maybe I would feel more confident about some of my greatest strengths.
And I suffer so much because of that. Rationally I know I shouldn’t do it, but emotionally I do it.
And now I feel myself trapped, with a lack of confidence! And my weight gaining is NOT helping me!!!!
I love fashion and I really like the idea of mixing and matching textures and looks, clashing colours. That's what I'm trying to do with my outfits and always trying to achieve elegance.
“Elegance is not the prerogative of those who have just escaped from adolescence, but of those who have already taken possession of their future.”
"Elegance is refusal. Refusal to follow others. Aptitude to be yourself" the legend tells Coco Chanel once stated.
So, if we all can learn to know ourselves, we all can be elegant. That's why I named my blog Searching The Inner Me. Because I'm still seeking it......
And I hope I would be able to overcome all this I'm dealing as soon as possible and feel again joy just because I’m alive and I can smell the flowers.

GreetjeKam-
minga
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 03:19
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I learned that we seem to always compare ourselves to others. But usually to someone in a situation "better" than ours. At least in our own opinion. Why not compare ourselves to someone who is less off? Not to gloat, but to be thankful for what we have got. So I do that. ... And it helps.
And sometimes you need the help of a friend or a professional to lift you again.
Like Suzanne I like clothes, bags, shoes etc. because they make life prettier, nice to look at. Because I can create. Even though it is only an outfit. It is my creation and with the help of others I learned how to hide the parts that spoil the pretty picture and emphasize those that enhance it. Does this make me happier? Hmmmm I presume that the creative part does do that. I tried to find another hobby, less expensive, but I am not very good at anything. Oh, apart from the fact that I can tell a joke quite well. Stand-up comedian perhaps?

http://www.nofearoffashion.com

Suzanne
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 09:10
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You always crack me up Greetje!

Sylvia
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 09:19
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Suzanne: Sorry to read about the loss of your family. I so admire your positive take on life. It shines through every comment you make on this site. Very good feedback and thank you so much for your very kind words on 40+Style!

seeker: you already have a lot of awareness about the way you feel. That's already a very good step to change your negative feelings. A book I can recommend to stay more in the present (which causes you to think less about past and comparison to others and lets you enjoy life more) is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He is written several other good ones too. You may want to try it.

Greetje: stand up comedian would suit you perfectly. You are one of the funniest women I know!

Suzanne
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 11:05
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You touched my heart Sylvia. What a nice thing to say. :) The truth is - we all have our joys and our sorrows in this life and you can not tell by looking at the next person what is really going on. How often do we envy others and wish we could trade places with them - when the reality is they could be suffering and have problems far worse than our own. It is not what happens to us that matters - it is how we handle it that builds our character. We all fall into a black hole at some point but if we can keep looking up there is always a light to climb towards. You just have to keep doing your best and keep trying to help others. I think that might be the key to happiness - being able to think of others instead of ourselves. And guess what the theme of our sermon was today? "Live in the moment and be content with where you are right now." Amazing, huh?

Sylvia
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Post Re: Why do we insist on talking ourselves down?
on: October 1, 2012, 11:19
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Very wise words Suzanne and "live in the moment and be content with where you are right now". is the best advice!

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